What not to do with an autistic child? 19 Things to avoid at all costs (and what to do instead). Increase communication, learning, joy and fun, while decreasing frustration and difficult behaviors. These tips are for you if you are a parent, teacher, therapist or anyone else who is spending time with a child with autism. Print out this list of what not to do and hang it up as a reminder in your home, classroom or therapy room.
If you are looking for activities to help your child or students learn new skills, get your copy of the Autism Activities Workbook Bundle.
What Not to Do with an Autistic Child
1. Don’t assume you understand their behavior.
Behavior is often a form of communication. It can be difficult to understand exactly what your child or student with autism is communicating with their behavior.
You may think a loud scream means the child is unhappy when really it’s a request for attention.
You may think the child pushing you away physically means they want to be alone when really his or she is trying to ask for a glass of water.
You may think throwing toys means they want to change the activity when really the behavior is communicating frustration with not being able to complete the activity, such as struggling to put together a puzzle.
Do this instead : study their behavior and once you understand the function of each behavior, create an individualized behavior plan to support your little learner going forward.
Download your FREE PRINTABLE What NOT to Do with an Autistic Child Checklist!
2. What not to do with an autistic child? Don’t expect an autistic child to learn like everyone else.
Children with autism share unique traits that lead to an autism diagnosis. Each autistic child is also unique.
This means that they most certainly won’t learn in the same way as their siblings or peers, and most likely learn differently than even other children on the autism spectrum.
Do this instead : This is why it is crucial to observe behavior and get to know the child you are working with so that you can adapt activities to their personal learning style.
3. Don’t use complicated language.
Most autistic individual struggle to understand verbal language. When you are communicating with a child with autism you want to make sure you are speaking a way that makes it as easy as possible for them to understand.
Avoid using “complicated language”.
What is “complicated language”?, you ask. I would consider long, drawn-out sentences and giving several instructions at the same time “and “complicated language”.
Do this instead : Instead use simple, direct sentences in your communication with a child with autism. Incorporate adapted autism sign language to improve communication even further.
Related : How to Teach an Autistic Child to Read
4. Don’t compare the child to their peers.
Each child is unique. Each child with autism is also unique.
Avoid comparing your autistic child to their peers.
In addition to having their unique learning style, they will most certainly have their own learn timeline.
Do this instead : Rather than comparing your little one to his or her siblings and peers, compare this year to last, this week to last week, and today to yesterday. Making sure your child or student is moving forward in their learning and behavior goals is key.
Download your FREE PRINTABLE What NOT to Do with an Autistic Child Checklist!
5. Don’t assume that children with autism don’t understand what you are saying because they can’t speak.
It is a common misconception that an autistic individual who can’ speak doesn’t understand what you are saying to them.
Although I always recommend using simple and straightforward language as I explained above, you want to also speak to your little one with autism as if he or she is an intelligent person who is capable of understanding you because he or she is!
Sometimes people fear their child or student doesn’t understand them so avoids talking to them all together. This is a mistake.
Children with autism need to hear language to learn how to understand it, as well as how to use it themselves.
Do this instead : Use simple and direct sentences but speak regularly to your little one. Use a variety of vocabulary to help them enrich their own knowledge of language.
Related : 21+ Activities for a Nonverbal Autistic Child
6. Don’t assume that children with autism aren’t communicating because they can’t speak.
Similarly, people can have a tendency to believe that autistic individuals who can’t speak do not communicate.
This couldn’t be further from the truth!
As I explained earlier, children with autism communicate in a variety of ways. Just like the rest of us, most of their communication is non-verbal.
Their behavior is communication.
Do this instead : Assume your child or student with autism is trying to communicate with you. Rather than assuming they’re not communicating, dig a little deeper to understand how they communicate. You will make your little learner feel seen and understood while simultaneously opening up an entire world of interaction and communication you may not have even realized existed.
7. Don’t change their routines or schedules abruptly.
Changes and transitions can be really challenging for children with autism.
Avoid changing plans at the last minute to avoid stress and unnecessary meltdowns.
Do this instead : prepare your child or students for upcoming changes using visual support (such as this First Then Visual Schedule) and pretend play. Be patient, go through the upcoming transition as many times as necessary and provide continuous support through the transition and even following the transition as needed.
Download your FREE PRINTABLE What NOT to Do with an Autistic Child Checklist!
8. Don’t talk about an autistic child in front of him or her as if they’re not there.
This is one of my personal pet peeves after working with children with autism over the past 20 years.
A lot of people assume that autistic children don’t understand what they are saying, therefore, will talk about them, their struggles and behaviors that need to be changed in front of them as if they are not even there.
Often parents will break under the frustration of raising a child with special needs and will fight about the child in front of the child.
I am sure this is not intentional in most cases but it can be extremely damaging for the child.
Imagine how the children with autism feels hearing that their behaviors need to be changed, they are struggling to do X, Y and Z at school, they have no friends and their parents can’t handle them anymore.
Add to this, that they often can’t full digest, or express, their feelings about what they hear. This can result in pent up frustration, sadness and even lashing out in the form of difficult behaviors.
Do this instead : if you are speaking about an issue that has come up and needs to be worked on in front of the child, include them in the discussion. You may say something like “you are struggling to sit in class, we need to work together to fin a solution.” Then suggest 2 or 3 things that could make the situation better. Your little one may or may not understand everything you say but he or she will feel seen, acknowledged, and your calm tone will be reassuring.
9. Don’t forget to celebrate wins.
This may be my favorite tip on this list!
Raising a child on the autism spectrum is very challenging. Teaching autistic students if very difficult too. Sometimes it all just feels too overwhelming.
Sometimes it feels like you are taking one step forward and three steps back on all of your learning goals.
Do this instead : Look for wins to celebrate! This is so, so important. It will help your child stay focused, it will make you feel calmer and it will increase daily joy for everyone.
Your little learner tried a new food? Yay! Take a walk around your favorite park.
Your little learner said his or her first word? Yay! Go get an ice cream together.
Your little one finally slept through the night? Yay! Start the day with their favorite YouTube videos.
10. Don’t speak in metaphors.
Similarly to avoiding “complicated language”, avoid speaking in metaphors.
Metaphors are abstract. Whereas people with autism tend to be concrete thinkers, meaning they struggle to understand metaphors.
Do this instead : use clear, direct, simple, short sentences when communicating with your little one on the autism. Instead of saying “it’s raining cats and dogs out there!”, say “it’s raining hard!”.
Download your FREE PRINTABLE What NOT to Do with an Autistic Child Checklist!
11. Don’t yell.
Someones frustration gets the best of you and you just want to shout it out.
This can be reinforcing for the adult because it’s a way to release pent up frustration and energy.
It can even becoming negatively reinforcing (for the adult) to yell because of this release.
Remember “negative reinforcement” means removing something after a behavior that increases the likelihood that it (the behavior) will occur again.
You are frustrated and scream at your child, your frustration reduces or goes away due to the scream, it becomes more likely you will scream again in the future when you are frustrated with your child. (Your screaming behavior has been negatively reinforced.)
Do this instead : when you (the adult) is frustrated you need to find a functional way to release that frustration and recenter yourself. Try deep breathing and counting to 10 before your respond to the situation in order to put some distance between the situation that is stressing you and your response.
12. Don’t rush them.
The world is busy!
You have 10 places to go today. Their is a lot of homework to get done. School starts in 10 minutes, is a 20 minute drive away and you haven’t left home yet. I get it. We can all feel rushed at times (some of unfortunately feel rushed most of the time).
For the child with autism, all of this rushing around adds to the stress they are already experiencing in a world that is overly stimulating for them and hard to understand.
Do this instead : avoid having to rush your autistic child or students by staying calm and patient, leaving plenty of extra time to get places, and breaking down activities, such as getting dressed or completing a project, into many manageable steps.
13. What to avoid with a child with autism : don’t trigger their sensory overload.
We will never know for sure how an autistic individual experiences the world without experiencing it ourselves. However, there are several personal accounts of sensory overload from autistic adults available online.
After 20 years of working with children with autism at home, at school, in therapy sessions, during field trips and a whole variety of different places and situations, it is clear to me that they experience the world differently and that sensory overload is a real thing that can even be painful if not managed appropriately.
Particularly noisy places include grocery stores, subways and other trains, airplanes, movie theaters, just to name a few.
Do this instead : plan in advance, avoid going places at peak hours and bring noise-blocking headphones in case things get too stimulating.
14. Don’t step into their personal space without being invited in.
It is a common misconception that people with autism hate to be touched.
This is definitely the case for some autistic individuals but not all. I have worked with many children, teenagers and adults that love hugs, handshakes and high fives.
You many not need to avoid physical touch entirely when working with a child with autism but make sure you respect their particular preferences and personal boundaries.
Do this instead : get to know the child before putting an arm around them or hugging them. Make sure these behaviors are welcome before engaging in them.
Download your FREE PRINTABLE What NOT to Do with an Autistic Child Checklist!
15. Don’t lose your patience.
I know it can be difficult to stay patient when trying to teach your little learner something new or during a meltdown or other hard-to-manage behavior but a healthy dose of patience will help the situation every time.
If an autistic child is trying hard but struggling to learn something new, he or she is probably extremely frustrated too.
If a child with autism is engaging in some sort of maladaptive behavior (hitting, screaming, trying to bite), there is a reason for this. They are experiencing stress too.
Do this instead : regular self development is necessary for autism parents and professionals. Trying the counting technique I mentioned earlier : breathe deeply and count to 10 before responding. You can also hum a calming tune, visualize a place you love or stretch before your respond to help you feel regain your cool. I love these 5 minute self care ideas too!
16. Don’t expect too much.
When you create learning goals that are too difficult, they cause autistic learners tremendous frustration and difficult behaviors are often the result.
Do this instead : assess your child or students’ skill levels regularly and adapt learning goals to be just above their skill level in each domain.
Download your FREE PRINTABLE What NOT to Do with an Autistic Child Checklist!
17. Don’t expect too little from a child with autism.
Similarly, don’t ask your little one to repeatedly engage in activities that are way too easy for them. Again, frustration will be the result.
In a therapy program, we typically aim for 80% maintenance material (activities the child can do) and 20% new material (that stretches them to meet new goals).
Do this instead : by adopting an 80% maintenance, 20% new material teaching schedule, you will make it more likely that your little learner feels happy and comfortable while also being pushed just enough to learn new things.
18. Don’t worry about the future.
Easier said than done. I know, I know, it is hard not to worry about the future, but unfortunately, when raising, or working with, a child with autism, it is essential to look at the next few steps ahead of you towards a goal rather than results years down the line.
Do this instead : remain in the present and look just a few steps ahead rather than making extreme, long-term goals or worrying too far into the future.
19. Don’t give up.
No matter how challenging things get, never give up on that little child in front of you.
Whether you are a mom, a dad, a grandparent, a teacher, or a therapist, you can do it!
Do this instead : stay inspired to help your little one reach their learning goals by reading blogs and books, surrounding yourself with supportive people, and taking time for essential self-care.
Download your FREE PRINTABLE What NOT to Do with an Autistic Child Checklist!
The Autism Behavior Course
If you need help understanding your child or students’ difficult behaviors, the Autism Behavior Course can help!
In the 6 module online course, learn how behavior is a form of communication and how you can make sense of seemingly senseless behavior.
Learn my simple ABC formula for understanding behaviors and how to use positive reinforcement to help heal your relationship with your child or students.
Learn how to change behavior from real examples at home, in the classroom and in therapy sessions.
Go through the course at your own convenience online, any time, any where.
Join the Autism Behavior Course now!
More Autism Resources
- Autism Activities Workbook Bundle – build communication skills, fine motor skills, sensory play skills and daily living skills, while helping your child or students to successfully manage any difficult behaviors, with these fun, educational, printable activities.
- The Successful Interaction with a Child with Autism Course – learn to better understand your autistic child or students with this complete course.
- Sensory Communication Workbook – Build communication skills with simple sensory activities.
- How to Make a Communication Binder Guide & Workbook – Learn how to create a Communication Binder for your child or student with autism using real photos. Follow my expert guide to learn how to use it to increase communication skills.
- Autism Adapted Books Bundle – build communication skills with my collection of printable adapted books for autistic learners.
- Autism Social Stories Bundle – a collection of printable social stories to help your little learners work on their social skills.
- Zoo Animals Play Dough Mats Bundle – use these printable play dough mat to work on the names of the animals, build language skills, and increase fine motor strength and precision in a fun, sensory way!
- Fine Motor Activities Bundle – build fine motor skills easily with this fun collection of printable fine motor activities and worksheets.
What Not to Do with an Autistic Child
I hope these tips of what not to do with a child with autism have been helpful for you.
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